I was shown a specific image of what being a man meant while I was growing up. Here are a just a few of a long list of qualities men are supposed to have:
- Physically strong
- In full control of their emotions, never showing them
- Courageous
- Disciplined
- Competitive
- Can take charge at any moment
- Plays sports
- Doesn't make mistakes
The problem I ran into, though, is that I didn't identify with many of these traits. I certainly enjoyed sports when I played them, but I didn't like the competition, and I wasn't obsessed with being the best basketball or football player.
I never thought I was very handsome, either. I noticed that TV and movies would show me these very specific examples of what men were supposed to look like, and I never saw myself looking that way. I was a skinny kid.
Courage was also a loaded word for me, because I was often bullied. Much of my time at school was spent just trying to survive the day without attracting the ire of my aggressive peers. I didn't feel courageous because I preferred to avoid those conflicts if I could. That included emotional conflict, because I felt my feelings deeply, and it was hard for me to hide them. Bullies would take advantage of that.
I didn't believe in myself. So taking charge at any moment was out. Part of not believing in myself was because I knew I made a lot of mistakes in life. That made it hard to be disciplined, too, because discipline is rooted in believing that the short term discomfort has long term benefits.
I could go on. I want to be clear--that list above isn't necessarily filled with bad traits. Courage is admirable. Sometimes, friendly competition can be a way to connect and grow. Being able to show true leadership skills in the midst of a crisis is something that is helpful for everyone.
The problems came from how these traits were portrayed in society. Why couldn't strength be something that was independent of how many muscles I had? Why couldn't emotional intelligence--the ability to know one's emotions and express them in healthy ways--be the preferred way of dealing with feelings? Why couldn't leadership be collaborative and quiet, rather than controlling and loud?
Once I found my way into ministry, I thought a lot about what it could mean to be a spiritual man. A man who grounds his identity not in what society shows him it should be, but what the Spirit within demonstrates is possible. Discovering Spirit has been one of the best things for my masculinity.
This is something I want to share with you, the men of Centers for Spiritual Living, in our upcoming New Thought Men's Retreat in Santa Rosa. The leader of the New Thought Men's Ministry, Rev. Eamon Duffy, will be leading us through personal exploration to discover our power, purpose, and vision as spiritual men.
I discovered that I can be my own man. A spiritual man. And you can, too.
Find out how, and register here: https://cslsr.breezechms.com/form/TheSpiritualMan2026
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